Dear Chairman
by thewhitepatch
Summary: The Chairman writes to each of the Reds and Blues, hoping to buy them out.
1. Grif

Dear Captain Dexter Grif,

I have personally looked into the personal exploits of you and your comrades, and I cannot for the life of me understand why you continue to side with anything related to Project Freelancer. It has brought nothing but pain for you and, might I add, your family. It may come to a shock to you, but there is no such thing as a "one-man draft." No, you were tricked into signing directly into Project Freelancer's simulation troops. They had lost their stable relationship with the government, so they had to directly recruit simulation troops. You are not a part of any official army.

And then there's the matter of your sister. She was one of the last soldiers at Blood Gulch, fighting for the opposite team. I wish I could say I was surprised to find out that Project Freelancer was setting up two siblings for conflict, but I'm afraid they have a history of these sorts of psychological tricks. Now your sister lies dead at the hands of the team you align yourself to, the "Reds." Are you really so willing to blindly follow these people who have constantly undermined and tricked you?

Remember, Captain Grif, there are other options.

Sincerely yours,

Malcolm Hargrove, Oversight Sub-Committee Chairmen

* * *

Hargrove,

Fuck off. No, I mean really. Fuck off as hard and as fast as you can. Who the hell gave you my email address? Was it Felix? I bet it was fucking Felix. What a fucking tool.

Yeah, Freelancer fucked me over. Freelancer fucked everyone over. Hell, the fucking guy who ran it was fucked over, and he fucking RAN it. The way I see it, the only person Project Freelancer didn't fuck over was you. I'm on the side that has all the fucked over people on it.

And don't you DARE bring my sister into this! There's no way she's dead. She's impossible to kill.

Eat a dick.

Grif

P.S. GIVE ME BACK MY GRIFSHOT!


	2. Wash

Dear Agent Washington,

It has been quite a while since we last spoke to one another. I believe the last time we spoke, you were in custody and telling me you would do whatever it took to ensure your freedom. You were quite frankly fantastic at your job, Recovery One. Your help was one of the many things that helped me get to the place I am today.

What made you think that no one would notice that your body had been replaced by a robot? Did you really think we weren't going to dissect your body to gather any evidence from Project Freelancer? We knew you weren't dead, Agent Washington. You weren't causing us any trouble, so we let you be. In fact, you were helping finish off Project Freelancer, so we really do have you to thank for so much.

If you want your old job back, you are more then welcome to have it. Should you refuse, I'm afraid we're going to have to inform the UNSC of your continued existence, and I'm sure they would gladly return you to your previous holdings.

Sincerely yours,

Malcolm Hargrove, Oversight Subcommittee Chairman

* * *

Dear Chairmen

By all means, tell the UNSC I'm alive. I have a lot of interesting stories to tell them about Chorus.

Don't patronize me. I'm far more useful to you dead than alive. I know about all your dirty work. I'm the one that did it.

Do me a favor and never contact me again.

Agent Washington


	3. Sarge

Dear Sergeant Samson Jefferson,

Unlike your comrades, you actually have a standing in the UNSC. You were an ODST, if my records aren't mistaken, and an extremely talented technician. However, you fought in a rather traumatic battle, which broke you mentally. You were so broken that you refused medical treatment and were sold off to Project Freelancer. What happened to you was an injustice that should be reprimanded at one, and I happen to be someone in the position of helping you.

If you continue down the path you are currently traveling, you will die. That was not a threat. As it stands now, there is no hope of you ever returning to a proper civilian life. If you willingly turn yourself over, I will do all I can to get you the proper treatment. You would finally be able to retire. I understand if you're one of the types who would prefer to fight until his demise, but, if you change your allegiance, I would ensure that you are remembered as the war hero you deserve to be.

Consider your options.

Sincerely yours,

Malcolm Hargrove, Oversight Subcommittee Chairman

* * *

Listen here, you damn dirty blue! Everything about you just screams blue! You're fancy words, your involvement in Freelancer, Hell, the fact that you're a greedy son of a bitch trying to kill off thousands of people seals the horrid blue deal! There's no such thing as a good blue, but I know damn well that you're the worst of the worst kind of blue!

Sure, maybe my military career was a lie! Maybe it was all for nothing. But this planet is full of people who need heros, and if I can be that for them, then maybe, just maybe, it will all have been worth it. I might not go down as a hero in the eyes of the UNSC or whatever you plan on doing, but at least I'll be remembered by these people here, the forgotten, the oppressed. And in my book, that's what being a hero is all about.

So stop trying to bargain with me! There's nothing you have that I want. You're already trying to kill Grif, and he told me about that letter you send him and his refusal, so there's no chance of you bargaining not to kill Grif! Serves you right, thinking you could get Grif to actually do something! That lazy, good for nothing-Dammit, Grif!

Hope you're ready to be Sarge'd!

Col. Sarge


	4. Caboose

A/N: These letters took place between seasons 12 and 13.

* * *

Dear Captain Michael J. Caboose,

You are by far one of the more damage individuals among your group of simulation troopers. According to the records from Blood Gulch, you had not one, not two, but three AI's rampaging through your mind at once. For a prolonged amount of time, you had Omega forcibly implanted into you. According to your psych records, it is theorized that Omega completely destroyed your mind. The other two AI, Alpha and Beta, could not have made things any better.

To put this in context for you, the last recorded instance of someone having at least three AI in their mind was with Freelancer Agent Maine. I believe you know him better as the Meta.

Project Freelancer knew you were damaged. They knew you need medical help. However, instead of providing you with it, they simply reassigned you to another base, hoping you would get yourself killed and not be a problem to them anymore.

I am willing to offer you the help you have been denied. After you get that help, you would be free to enter civilian life.

However, I would like to propose to you another option. I would like you to work for me. We recently acquired a piece of technology that would be perfect for someone of your physical state. The mental part would not matter, so long as we can acquire the correct components. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, and I trust you will have the good judgement to take me up on it.

I eagerly look forward to your response.

Sincerely yours,

Malcolm Hargrove, Oversight Subcommittee Chairman

* * *

Dear Santa,

I would like some pet stuff for my new dog, Freckles. I would tell you more about him, but since you can see everything, you probably already know. Freckles has been a very good boy and deserves lots of presents.

I also want some presents for everyone else, since I do not know how to get them their presents.

I would like to get an eyepatch for the sargent, a hat for Griff, a book for Simon, and an apron for Biscot.

I would like to get a roller coaster for Washingtub, Carolina, and stupid Tucker (even though he is on the naughty list, since he has been really grumpy.) They can sleep in it because they are always dreaming about riding roller coasters because they always scream while they are asleep.

Please get Church a dog, because, even though he pretends not to like Freckles, I think a part of him really wants a dog.

Tucker ate all of your cookies.

Michael J. Caboose


	5. Simmons

Dear Captain Richard Simmons,

While it is true that, on paper, you appear to be worthy of the simulation soldiers, records have shown that you are capable of so much more. You are in fact a remarkably intelligent young man who has had his prime years stolen from him by Project Freelancer. The idea of you wasting away on some godforsaken planet saddens me.

There are other options. Should you be interested in it, I am willing to fund your return to the academic world to pursue whatever carrier you believe to be worthwhile. Whatever that carrier may be, you will be more then welcome to perform it under the umbrella of Charon Industries.

I am well aware of how underappreciated you feel by your own team. Our records of Blood Gulch show that you have in fact defected from your designated "Red Team." Our observations of your encampment when you crashed on Chorus shows that you depict a second time as well, due to a lack of respect for your commanding officer. That lack of respect is well deserved, given his general incompetence.

When you joined the New Republic, you were promoted to captain and given your own team to command. I understand if that praise felt pleasant, but you know as well as I do that the praise was undeserved. Join me, and I will make sure you are appreciated for your own skills.

I await your response.

Sincerely yours,

Malcolm Hargrove, Oversight Subcommittee Chairman and CEO of Charon Industries

* * *

Dear Chairman Hargrove,

I really appreciate your offer, but unfortunately I'll have to decline at this time. Believe me, it really is tempting, but I don't entirely trust that I won't be killed the moment I accept your deal. Also, while I do appreciate a good buttering up, I'm only slightly above average intelligence. I'm constantly surrounded by idiots, so I get it if I seem like I'm smarter than I actually am.

I don't want my friends to die, and I want to do whatever I can to help them. I fit in here more than I ever fit in anywhere else. I don't really have much for me waiting at home, so at least here I have something to fight for.

So I do have to decline your offer. However, when all of this is over, if you're still interested, I would love to be employed by Charon. After all, I don't see myself being a soldier for the rest of my life. Let me know.

Sincerely,

Captain Richard Simmons


	6. Donut

Dear Private Franklin D. Donut,

It is rather strange that, among you comrades, you are the only one that remains a private. Looking at your Red Team alone, you were the only one considered to join Captain Tucker on his ambassador trip. You are also one of the only people to bring down Agent Texas, something not even Agent Carolina could do.

So what is it you do now? Manage uniforms? There are two possibilities for you to be in the position you are. The first is that your skills are being completely wasted. They have you, a completely competent soldier, looking over uniforms. If it's not because of your army's incompetence, then it may very well be your own choice. If that is the case, then do you truly want to be a soldier?

If your passions lie elsewhere, then I am willing to offer you an avenue to pursue these activities. If you defect from your army and answer a few questions about the Chorus forces, I will personally set you in the fashion and design section of Charon Industries. You will be part of an award winning design team, a position which takes some people decades to achieve.

I also feel like you would be made aware of the diverse and open community we have here at Charon Industries. Considering your psych profile, I feel like you would thrive in a community such as that, as opposed to the often narrow-minded world of the military. I connected a brochure to this letter in case you wish to learn more.

I hope you accept my offer.

Sincerely yours,

Malcolm Hargrove, Oversight Subcommittee Chairman and CEO of Charon Industries

* * *

Dear Mr. Hargrove

Thank you for all your kind words! I always love an excuse to get buttered up! While flattery can usually get you anywhere, I think I'm going to have to turn you down.

I love being in the military! Between the group showers, close bunks, and form-fitting armor, all of the perks are fabulous! Plus, when your training, often shirtless in mud pits, you never know what might happen! The guys are down for anything!

I may have been assigned the position of being in charge of uniforms, but I really feel like I've found my passion! I could see myself taking the position you offered in the future, but, for now, I think I want to explore my own style and make a name for myself in the fashion world!

I'm glad you guys have a really open-minded community! I can think of one or two people who would be interested in the open community. You didn't hear it from me, but I heard that Grif and Simmons got their own room together! They did have us buddy up for rooming, but it still means something might be up. FYI, it's me and Caboose, Grif and Simmons, Tucker and Washington. IDK where Sarge and Carolina sleep, but they might just outrank us, so whatevs.

Anywho, thanks for your generosity! Sorry about the whole "war" thing, but I've found that great friendships can be formed across enemy lines! Why, I was Red team, and Caboose was Blue team, but now he's one of my best friends! Heck, he was one of my best friends in Blood Gulch as well! What a nice guy!

Lot's of Love,

Donut :)

PS: Have any of your guys found Doc? Just asking. He's been missing for a few months now. I hope he's OK. We're so close, I wouldn't even call him my best friend. He's, like, my partner or something. Anyway, just keep me in the loop. Thanks!


	7. Tucker

Dear Captain Lavernius Tucker,

It is no secret that, among your peers, you are the only one who has an actually relevant political standing. It wouldn't bode well for anyone if an important ambassador between the humans and aliens was discovered dead on an outer planet. In fact, given the increase in tension between the two cultures, your recovery has become much more prevalent. One of the main reasons I offered you that transport all those weeks back in the first place was in the hopes that you would be able to help avoid a galactic incident.

Let me be perfectly clear: I would profit either war, war or no war. I'm just thinking of your poor son. If he found out that his father died at the hands of human extremists, then he could very well be coerced into leading charge into war.

You may be asking who these human extremists are. Well, they could be anybody. They could be the isolated people of Chorus, stuck in their backwater ways, or rogue soldiers, who can only find work during war time, or even former galactic heroes, who, when their personal files are closely examined, were always rather unstable. It's really your choice.

I don't have anything to offer you, Captain Tucker. You're much too important of a figure. I just wanted to make sure that your death will not be random. It will be carefully planned, and it will eventually lead to my continued success.

Sincerely yours,

Malcolm Hargrove, Oversight Subcommittee Chairman and CEO of Charon Industries

* * *

Hargrove,

You look like a dick.

I don't mean that you ARE a dick (even though you are a dick), but you literally look like a penis.

I kept talking to Wash and Church about it during that whole celebration dinner thing.

You also smell weird, like an old fart. I thought rich guys were suppose to be picky about things like that.

Anyway, I'm not worried about Junior. If you try to get near him, he'll eat you. And I'm sure as hell not going to die, so suck on that!

I don't know what you want from me. I don't really do letter, especially to creepy old dudes like you!

So fuck off, you homicidal prick!

-Tucker


	8. Carolina

Dear Agent Carolina,

What is your endgame on Chorus? It is quite obvious that the majority of your life has been devoted to Project Freelancer. You were there since the begining, longer than some of the Director's trusted advisors. Now that it has come to a close, what purpose do you have? What purpose is there for an overtrain soldier who isn't even part of the military?

Freelancer took a lot from everybody. Almost everyone involved with the Project is either dead or incarcerated. Agent Washington suffered a tremendous amount of mental strain from the implantation of the Epsilon AI. Your own father took your life from you. You are looking for an opportunity to take it back. However, you must have realized by now that, even as you fight for Chorus, the waves of Project Freelancer are still crashing down on you and your allies, and eventually you will drown.

There is a way out, if you are willing to take it. You could come under my employment, and finally be put with a team of actually competent soldiers. There wouldn't be any manipulative psychological experiments played on any of you. You would all work for a singular, focused goal. All you would have to do is give up this trivial fight for this backwater planet.

I await your response.

Sincerely yours,

Malcolm Hargrove, Oversight Subcommittee Chairman and CEO of Charon Industries.

* * *

Dear Chairman,

Ok, dude, you seems obsessed or something. I know you've been sending messages to all the other guys, and it's actually a little creepy. Stop trying to throw money at us! Everyone hates you!

Carolina won't even dignify this message with an actual response. She just sighed in annoyance and told me to answer it.

And don't even start with me, cockbite! I'd bet my ass that you're thinking some bargain to make with me! You can just suck all the dick in the world! Hell, I don't even have a dick, but I'll make sure that, every time you so much as look at a computer screen, you will see a different dick every fucking time! I will legally change your name to "Asshole McFuckface" and have you be legally documented as a jackass. Like, as in a literally donkey. I will change whatever your college major was to a Theater Degree and nothing else. Do not fuck with me I am a computer and I will mess you up.

Sincerely yours,

Church, AKA AI Fragment Epsilon


End file.
